Your federal tax dollars at work.

Somewhere in an office in Washington, D.C., there is a file with my name on it. The Federal Aviation Administration Hazardous Materials Branch Manager Stephen Joseph is on the case.

It appears as if on a recent return flight from New York to Mississippi, I violated highly sensitive U.S. Department of Transportation regulations by, well, let the feds tell you.

“The FAA has initiated an outreach campaign to raise public awareness and to counsel passengers concerning hazardous materials.”

I wonder if FAA counseling will be covered under the Obama government-run health care plan?

“It has been reported that you MAY have been carrying a lighter while you were boarding a flight on 02 June 2009.”

May have been carrying? I may have been carrying my Joe DiMaggio autographed baseball, or my beer bottle collection. Every passenger on every flight MAY be carrying a lighter; does everyone get a notice like this?

“A lighter may be a hazardous material.”

Indeed it is, especially packed in checked baggage. The stick deodorant couldn’t take the smell of the dirty socks, so said stick deodorant may light said socks on fire using the hazardous lighter causing one helluva ruckus. Thank God they caught the deodorant before something really bad happened. Whew!

“MOST hazardous materials may not be transported in luggage.”

So that means some hazardous material may be carried in luggage? That will be reassuring on the next flight.

“Specific requirements are outlined in Title 49 of the Code of Regulations Parts 100-185.”

A lot of parts on lighters, don’t you think?

“The FAA considers the matter closed.”

Sean Murphy never knew it was open. Can’t I appeal? And how do I know if I had a lighter in the bag or not, because there wasn’t one when I got home. Is it in evidence at the Hazardous Materials home office?

“If you have questions, you may contact Stephen Joseph.”

OK then, here goes. Why in heaven’s name did the FAA spend 44 cents on postage, man hours writing the letter, the time to get it OK’d by the Hazardous Materials Branch Manager for an offense I MAY have committed, then closed the case as fast as it was opened?

An e-mailed response, Mr. Joseph, will suffice.