If you don’t have kids, Christmas kind of loses its luster as you get older. The wife and I are cheerful and jolly, and will enjoy time with family this week, but we probably won’t buy each other any big gifts. We’ve even eaten a Christmas dinner or two at Waffle House.

While we still celebrate Christmas, I’ve also opened my mind to holiday alternatives. Like Festivus.

As any “Seinfeld” fan can tell you, this is a cherished, if unusual (and fictional), holiday with its own traditions. Since I’ve only got a few hundred words, let’s skip the feats of strength and go right to the airing of grievances.

I’ve got a lot of problems with you people:

• The annoying basketball fan who likes to scream “THREE SECONDS!” at the referees every … well, every three seconds. For variety he’ll sometimes mix in the oh-so-clever “CALL IT BOTH WAYS!” and “WHAT GAME ARE YOU WATCHING!?”

By the end of the first quarter, it’s like seeing a commercial for a greatest hits compilation, with the guy’s favorite jeers highlighted in yellow.

I once heard this person yelling these pearls of wisdom during a 40-point blowout, as if the officiating was the sole reason for the score.

Hey. Guy. We get it. Someone is camped in the lane and the ref maybe made a bad call. Relax and give us some generic white noise instead of sharing your witty observations with the world.

• People who treat their shopping carts like free range cattle and set them free to roam and terrorize parking lots. I’ve seen people parked across the aisle from a cart corral who can’t bother to spend 20 seconds, walk an extra 50 feet, and keep those little doggies penned up.

Since it is the holiday season and this is a family newspaper, I’ll refrain from telling you exactly what I call these people.

Those carts roll when bumped. They can smash out a headlight, dent a door, or even injure someone. Let’s take a few seconds out of our busy day, get some exercise, and put them where they belong, shall we?

• The guy who wants to zip along at 90 mph during an I-20 slowjam, despite the fact we’re Nos. 20 and 21 in a roughly 25-car backup behind two 18-wheelers racing each other at 62 mph.

Slow it down, buddy. Have some patience and we’ll all get where we’re going in one piece.

• Roger Goodell. Just … Roger Goodell.

Thanks for taking everything that was fun about the NFL and kicking it in the nether regions, commish. Between penalty flags, overly long replay breaks, rising prices, a general disregard for any fan interests besides how much money teams can siphon from their wallet, and the list goes on, Goodell has perhaps done more to destroy the enjoyability of a sport in a short time than anyone else in history.

• Well, except maybe for Nick Saban. Would it kill the guy to smile once in a while? Besides when he’s kicking puppies?

• Any manager at Wal-Mart, Kroger, Target or any other store that built 40 checkout lanes and only decides to open three. Can we make it a state law that if you have more than a dozen checkout lanes, at least half must be manned at all times?

If ever there was a place for “THREE SECONDS!” guy to ply his craft, this is it.

And while we’re on the subject of checkout lanes, here’s another. Hey, cashier directing traffic at the self-check lanes, don’t ask me if I want to leave a semi-long line to go check out and then lead me to the self-checkers before abandoning me like a shady Eastern European tour guide. That’s just mean.

• Folks who go way overboard in their anti-Christmas spirit.

Even if it’s not your thing because of religion (or lack of it), anti-consumerism, or what have you, is it too much to ask to lighten up for a couple of weeks and enjoy the idea behind the holiday? We don’t need to be arrogantly reminded of Santa’s pagan roots at every turn, or the absurdity of a celebration of Jesus’ birth morphing into some guy and his reindeer breaking into our homes.

A fat guy in a red suit brings presents. The next day we celebrate the idea of peace and harmony — well, except for parents whose families dropped off really loud toys and an ample supply of batteries — until the world slowly returns to its normal crazy self a short time later. For a couple of weeks each year, most people are on the same page. Enjoy it while it lasts.

OK, time to take a deep breath and go enjoy some leftovers from the family Christmas lunch. We left the dinner leftovers at Waffle House.

This week, whether you’re celebrating Festivus, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or nothing at all, make it merry.

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Ernest Bowker is a sports writer. He can be reached at 601-619-7120 or by email at ernest.bowker@vicksburgpost.com.