So, I passed a bit of a milestone birthday in December. Nothing that ended in a zero, but still a birthday that screams “you are getting old!”

But I don’t feel old. Well, on some days, maybe just a little when the arthritis kicks up. Still, I just can’t reconcile the fact that I am on the shorter side of life now.

I never really thought about this stage of life when I was younger. It was so busy, or as least I made it so.

There were children to take care of, husbands to please, clubs to attend and housework to do.

And for the most part, I loved every minute of it. So-much-so, I never really thought about what it would be like when it ended.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have a lovely life. There are just aspects of my earlier one that I sometimes still miss. Like when I see a young mom with little ones in tow.

It’s a challenge being a mom, but back then it was one I was ready to take on. And because I invested so much of my efforts in trying to do a good job, like I said earlier, I think I failed to plan what would come after.

Well, I have been at the after and I am still floundering. It’s not that I have trouble filling my time with things to do. It’s that I feel like I should have direction like I did with motherhood.

Most people look forward to an empty nest. But for me, having more Terri time is a challenge. Never seeing myself in any other light than that of motherhood just never crossed my mind.

Many have asked me, “Well, what is it that you really want to do?” My reply is, “I don’t know.”

Am I supposed to know? Am I the only one that doesn’t know? Who knows?  Or what if I am already doing what I want to be doing and I just don’t know it?

This all sounds so confusing, but I am hopeful that with a new year ahead, hopefully all these questions of mine will be resolved, so my next  20 or so years will be as wonderful as all those before.

Terri Cowart Frazier writes features for The Vicksburg Post. She can be reached at terri.frazier@vicksburgpost.com.